We have some weird rules in our house. They’re all born of necessity because these little poop monsters don’t come with instructions. The moral of the story here is this: I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m a tad crazy. So it’s probably a good idea not to push it.
Do not pick your nose.
… But if you do pick your nose, use a napkin. If you don’t use a napkin, still go to the bathroom and take care of it in the trash or toilet. And for the LOVE OF GOD don’t wipe boogers on the freakin’ wall, you sick little shit.
Don’t run in your Princess Sofia shoes.
Your Cinderella ones are fine. Because they’re not heels and they don’t click and mess up my floors. Because you’re less likely to fall. But really, gawd, that heel clicking is so freakin’ annoying. So no running. In your Sofia shoes.
You’re only allowed to play on your tablet when mommy gives it to you.
And she will only give it to you when she’s about to lose her shit. And you’re not allowed to watch “Toy Barbies” on it… (AKA YouTube Videos of other people playing with toys.)
You Can Only Watch “Toy Barbies” while I’m working
If you’re on my lap watching on one screen while I work on the other, then I will know if you stumble onto some weird shit. And you do. Some reeeeeally weird shit. I am constantly stunned what a weird rabbit hole the “related videos” can be.
Get Backyard if I’m not going out with you, Front yard if I am
Because the backyard is fenced, I don’t have to watch you that much. But that semi-safe yard is also covered in dog poop, so if I’m going out… I ain’t messing with that. Front yard is nice and pretty with actual flowers, not the poop kind. That’s where I’ll be.
A Popsicle is an Outside Food
Because you’re not to be trusted and you don’t clean up your messes and it’s a summer food, so just get to the porch, and YOU’RE WELCOME!
I’m not making you a separate meal
I’ll pull your portion out before I make anything spicy or crazy, but you can totally go to bed hungry if you’d rather not eat that particular thing. That’s fine with me.
You get up early? Fine with me.
Bedtime is now 6:30pm. Also, feed yourself, because I’m not making you breakfast at 6am, crazy.
If you don’t wipe very well at school, when you come home, change your underwear
I will do periodic checks of “Lemme see your underwear” to make sure. Gross. Because your little 4 year old hands are just not very good at shit. (Literally.)
If Daddy isn’t here, Momma means bidness.
You won’t get away with anything. There will be no random treats or winning the lottery of staying up late, or snuggling for an extra 10 minutes at bedtime. No more drinks of water after you’re in bed. You get Nuh-zeen.
If you poop in a diaper and do it while Daddy’s here… Mommy will try to pass it off
I’m all for equal parenting. I know he has a full time job that prevents him from splitting diaper duty 50/50 with me as I stay home. But Dude. Poop is gross. I’m human. I will avoid that if possible. Ew.
If I don’t know what happened… I’m just gonna pretend it didn’t
I don’t want to play Law and Order every time you fight. I’m not going to investigate. If it ain’t clear and no one’s hurt , I don’t care. You got her this time, she’ll get you next time. It’ll probably even out eventually. Or one of you will steal the other’s boyfriend. Whatever. You’ll get what’s coming to you, either way.
When the baby is sleeping, you get outside or go to the basement and shhhhhhhh.
Do not wake that sleeping baby. For hell hath no fury over a toddler who has skipped her nap. Or a mommy who has to suffer a toddler who has not taken her nap.
We don’t leave toys on the ground
But don’t worry; I’m not going to enforce this rule at all. The dogs will, though. *evil smile* I will just give you an “I told you so” look when I have to throw out the third toy the dogs have chewed up that day. But I won’t say I told you so. But you’ll know. Oh, you’ll know.
We do not say shut up.
You tell the dogs to be quiet. No, you can’t say it to your sister. No, I know she’s screaming and it’s annoying. But you’re not allowed to say that. Because it’s mean. Because you’re not in charge. Ok, only when I ask you to take care of her and you are in charge. Ok, ya know what? Just SHUT UP!
Wine makes you stupid
You can’t drink grown up drinks because they make you stupid. (Not silly… because silly is fun and mommy’s wine tastes like candy so there are no deterrents, there and you need to back off that stuff, kid.) Also, we don’t say stupid. Because it’s mean. Ok, except about what wine makes you. I like it because sometimes you make me crazy. And stupid is better than crazy.
Just because, kid!