Do you ever wonder why the best art comes from the most tortured artists? Musicians are notorious for getting caught up in drugs and depression. The funniest man in the world took his own life. (Robin Williams.) Why is it?
So how does a hot mess turn into something beautiful?
You may have already figured it out. When thing are hard, we try to fix it. So often times the more we struggle, the more prolific we are. We do minuscule tasks to try to feel a sense of accomplishment. “Sure, I can’t fix my mom’s cancer. But I can clean the entire house top to effin’ bottom to distract myself.”
I don’t know how to soothe my daughter as she acts out. I try, but I mostly feel like I’m falling short of what she needs. But I can write the shit out of a blog article. I can paint the silhouette of a tree in a sunset. In the scheme of things, these things don’t matter. But I feel better after doing them. So I don’t build anxiety as quickly and I don’t lose my mind and lash out at my family. These little things may be temporary fixes. But the stress is temporary, too. Sometimes it’s hard to remember, but it’s important to bear it in mind.
I see that hot mess.
I see you on your last nerve at the grocery store. You’re juggling a toddler in the cart and wearing the baby. I can tell when your toddler drops her sippy for the fifteenth time, you’re about to throw that cup through the freezer section. I see you hand it back to the child, issue one last ultimatum and I see you exhale and close your eyes to calm yourself.
And it’s beautiful. Because I know what comes next. You’re going to see the sunshine soon. Just like we try to teach our children: soon, after you’ve calmed down; you’re going to self soothe. You’re going to do something that makes you feel better. It makes you feel beautiful, or accomplished. Even if it’s just giving yourself a manicure after the kids go to bed. (And letting those shits cry until your nails dry.) If it’s pounding a bottle of wine the second your husband gets home; you know what you need, mama.
Your hot mess is the storm before the sun. But the sun will come.
Because it’s the beauty of humanity. It’s the beauty of “Adulting” … You wouldn’t have gotten this far mama, if you didn’t know how to cope. Sometimes it’s harder to get that equilibrium. Sometimes the mani doesn’t work. And that’s even more beautiful. Because you will keep at it. You know yourself. You know what you need in life. And if you lose your way, you will keep searching until you get that peace. You may not be able to take luxuries. Even if you can’t do that, you can, and have, and will find a solution. You will find that sun. I’ve been there and I recognize those signs. Your eyes close because you’re remembering that it’s not always like this. You’re not always at the end of your rope. Sometimes that sun shines so bright you can’t even stand it. So hold on. Embrace the suck. It’s here. But it’s not forever.
And when you find your solution, you go for it, Mama.
Find the sitter of your dreams. Work double time so you can afford a big night where you just don’t have to think of anything. Make sure your hubby knows you need his support in this. Because if you don’t get it, you’re going to lose your shit. And he’ll be super miserable for months. Instead of like, a long weekend.
Honey, if you’re reading this, I’ve painted 3 pictures and written 2 articles today. The dishes are done and I’m caught up on laundry. I even drank two ciders. It didn’t work. So guess what? Mama needs a Girls Weekend.