How I know I’m Basically still a Child

My first reaction to an empty cupboard is annoyance at someone else for not putting the dishes away.

This is also a pretty good indicator of what a bratty kid I was. I see a mess I made and my first thought is “Ugh! No one’s cleaned it up, yet!” I come home and see the sink still full of dirty dishes and I get annoyed my husband hasn’t cleaned them. Even though he’s at work. And has been since before I dirtied those dishes.

I want to eat cold pizza for breakfast.

Every time we get pizza, I hold back my hunger and fill up on other things if at all possible. Because I know the next day it’ll be so much better. Cold. For Breakfast. And I have to hide that I’m eating it because it’s not a responsible choice for breakfast. So if I do get this delicacy, it’s speed eating a slice over the sink while my hubby’s in the shower and my kids are getting dressed.

I can’t regulate myself with candy.

No seriously. I just can’t. Do you know when I stop eating candy? When it’s gone. This is not an exaggeration, here. I will get myself sick to the stomach. And push on. Because I am a warrior. And I do not quit. I either only buy small quantities or do not eat it until my husband is around so he can wrestle the bag away from me. Again, not an exaggeration. He has to pry it out of my hands. Because I’m a freakin’ child.

My kids are in school. I’m listening to the trolls soundtrack.

My middle daughter is obsessed with Trolls. She will watch the video in the family room four times in a row before coming up for air if I let her. (And while we were all sick… I definitely let her.) When we’re in the kitchen cooking or cleaning, Alexa is playing the trolls soundtrack. While I’m typing this, my daughter is on my lap watching clips from the movie on YouTube.

Fun fact? She’s not the only one obsessed. When she’s at school, I still play that soundtrack in my kitchen. And I dance and I sing and I freakin’ love it.

I rotate NSYNC on my regular playlist.

I take the least shame in this one. Deep down, I’ll be a teeny forever. And you bet your ass when Bye Bye Bye comes on I’m doing the choreography.

I also get lost in YouTube

We had to uninstall YouTube on all my kids’ tablets. They wouldn’t watch inappropriate videos or anything; They just wouldn’t stop. The kids would just watch, what they call “Toy Barbies” (Or videos of other people opening and playing with toys) for hours.

Fun fact? I get lost sometimes on YouTube, too. After the kids are in bed, I’ll click a random link and end up watching Doctor Who  and Game of Thrones clips for like 2 hours. I’m currently watching Jimmy Fallon clips. And have been for like 20 minutes.

I call my mommy when I don’t feel good. (And then act like a petulant teenager when she tries to give me advice)

“I know I need to gargle salt water to help my throat, mom.” I definitely forgot. “Of course I’ve taken my meds, mom. I’m not a child” I haven’t taken my meds. I’m definitely still a child. The best is when she tells me I need to rest. Then I react like the victim of some terrible crime with PTSD. “I have three kids, mom. How am I supposed to rest?” And then I act like no one’s ever had children before. “Did you just forget my life?” Because she never had kids. And this is me as an adult. As a child, I was even more demanding. I’m pretty sure every time I get sick I should call her and apologize. But I don’t. Because deep down, I’m still a bratty kid.

I WILL totally lie to get out of “trouble”

Not that I can think of any examples right now.

That’s a lie. I just don’t want anyone reading this to realize I’ve lied to them and then get into trouble.

I lie to my husband pretty much daily. “No, I didn’t mean to throw away that shirt.”  (He develops a strong sense of emotional attachment to shirts he had in middle school. They all have holes in them. I made a blankey for him, so we’re both satisfied now.) “Yes, I made the girls wash their hands after dinner and before and twice during.” (Seriously, he does make the girls wash their hands before and after dinner. And before and after they play outside. He doesn’t see all the disgusting shit they do all day, so he thinks these things matter. So I lie.) “Aw, no, babe, you don’t need to read my blog” (He never reads this shit. That’s why I’m telling on myself. Because I don’t think I’m going to get into trouble. And if I do… I’m gonna lie to try to get out of it.)

I have two cuddle pillows

This is also a good indicator of what a rubbish wife I am. I basically need to feel something surrounding me at all times. When I was a kid, I’d ask my sister to tuck me in. And when she liked me, she would; which meant she’d tuck me on all sides so tight I was essentially swaddled. I’ve evolved to pillows all around me. But it’s definitely only a slightly more grown up version of a swaddle.

I still wipe my nose on my sleeve

This is disgusting, I know. And I’m not super thrilled to be announcing it. But I’ll own it. It’s not like this is an especially flattering article, anyways. When I have a runny nose, I sniff until, out of habit, I just wipe it. Hey I’m busy, I don’t always have time to run to the bathroom for a tissue every time. Plus, at least I don’t do it when people can see me. Yeah, there’s that gem, too. I hide gross habits like biting my nails and picking my teeth. But I totally still do that shit.

I pick cartoons I think my children will like… based on what I like.

They watch Peppa Pig because mommy likes the British accent. We watch Voltron because it’s epic. We watch Thundercats and She-ra. I let them pick and they pick rubbish like Spongebob. Which is, honestly, the only show made for kids I won’t let them watch. So yeah, I suppose I should add “Selfish” to the list.

But I’m about tapped out here.

I’m also pretty lazy.

Too lazy to explain that one…


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2 thoughts on “How I know I’m Basically still a Child

  1. momma says:

    You never stop amazing me Jen. Your writings are entertaining and witty. You are by far my favorite writer and I look forward to your next article.

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