My mother taught me so many things. But there are two things that I used way more often than I ever thought I would. One is picking things up with my toes. For someone who has spent a lot of the last 6 years pregnant, this is basically the best thing she’s ever taught me. Monkey toes is, therefore, a lesson I’ve passed on to my girls. Because, should they ever find themselves huge-in-the-middle pregnant, they will benefit greatly from this skill. I know I have.
(Thank you again, Mom.)
The other is a skill I’ve lost over the years. I used to be able to squat over a public toilet like a pro. In my glory days, I could squat over a handicap toilet that came up to my thigh, completely drunk and not not lose my balance. I was good at this. But then, in college, I broke both my legs in a car accident.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to squat when you’re broken like that? I bet you can imagine. And let me just confirm your imaginations: It’s impossible. So what you’re left with in that scenario is to wipe the seat with toilet paper. Then your hands are disgusting because you’ve wiped up someone else’s pee. So you have to wash your hands so you don’t wipe other people pee on your vajayjay when you wipe yourself. Then you have to hope no one’s taken your toilet and go get on that thing. All that hobbling made me start really looking into the why we do this to ourselves. And I found one really important fact:
The public toilet just isn’t that dirty.
The first thing I did in my quest for understanding the squat was watch a couple Mythbusters episodes where they explored the skankiness of the public restroom. Turns out, there are a lot of things we do on a daily basis that are way grosser than a public toilet. (And, just a sidebar to that story: loads of things we do daily are gross.) That was enough to peek my interest and make me feel more justified in my [absolutely necessary] sitting on the toilet.
If you’re worried about germs, you need to wash your hands better.
Most germs, like cold and flu type germs, die after a very short period of time. So they won’t stick around on the toilet seat. But let’s be honest: the ones you’re really worried about are *whispers* the STDs! Well, unless you have an open cut on your butt cheek, or you’re rubbing your genitals directly onto the toilet seat, you’re still good. There’s a reason they’re contracted during sex: They need to get inside the body somehow. Your skin is plenty sufficient to prevent contracting those STDs. Microbiologists all over the world say one thing: It ain’t a problem, yo. (In their true gansta voices.)
The bathroom’s germ capitol is the sink, anyway. Honestly, from my extensive internet research on the Googles (ha) you may be better off skipping the sink all together and just using your hand sanitizer.
Squatters pee on the seat.
If you’re squatting, you’re more likely to pee on the seat. You’re also more likely to dribble on your clothes. And for urine to trail down the outside of the toilet bowl to the ground, covering the floor in your pee. Basically the only reason bathrooms get dirty in the first place is freakin’ squatters.
I understand it’s a bit of a catch 22. No one wants to sit in pee, so they squat over it. Then they create more pee on seats. Or, they squat because they don’t know if there’s pee and they want to be safe. Then they make the pee mess they’re trying to avoid. Just wipe it up and sit on down. Someone has to start the revolution, ladies. Unite to fight the pee problem!
It’s also bad for you.
Fun Fact that should sway you even if you don’t care about the mess you’re making for others: It’s not a natural position to pee. Which means it’s not going to get rid of all your peepee. You’re training your body to not relax when you pee, so it’s going to learn bad habits and that has consequences. (Other than pissing me off. –Pun intended.) It may cause incontinence in your later years. You’re more likely to develop Urinary Tract infections. So unless you want to pee your pants and for it to burn when you pee… Sit right on down.
There’s even some chance of life threatening stuff, too. You can develop all kinds of serious health concerns from those chronic infections. And your bladder and entire pelvic region could “prolapse” (This is a nice way of saying your organs can fall out your anus and/or hooha.) Yeah. That’s real. I’m not making that up. That’s a thing that can happen.
Be selfish, if you must: It’s even better for you! Just sit your ass down.
Squatting is basically saying “Screw you and your problems: Handicapped peeps, little brats and pregnant bitches… Enjoy my pee.”
How it bothers handicapped people kinda goes without explaining, right? If you don’t have legs, you’re not going to be able to squat. So they’re gonna have to do some version of the hobble wipe/wash/hobble thing I detailed above. Or you’re just straight up, making them sit in your pee. Seriously, doesn’t anyone think of the end result of this? It’s so messed up, if you think about it. You may as well give the girl in a wheelchair the finger on the way out the bathroom.
Toddlers have teeny little legs. They can’t reach the toilet without being hoisted up there. Learning how to go to the potty is new and not always a pleasant change. It changes their whole world and convincing them to do it isn’t always easy. Doing so when you show them the toilet they’re going to have to sit on is covered in someone else’s pee is even harder. Dear God, think of the children!
And let’s talk about pregnancy. Have you ever had morning sickness in public? You have to puke into a public toilet. You have to kneel on the floor in front of the toilet. Not to mention the fact that once your belly grows out, your balance goes to shit. During my first pregnancy this was so completely unexpected, I fell out of my desk chair doing absolutely nothing: Just sitting there. Say you have a glorious unicorn pregnancy with no puking; you’re still going to struggle with those balance issues. Most women deal with pregnancy issues at some point in their lives. How can you say “Screw you” to most of the women in the world?
SIT. YOUR. ASS. DOWN.
I may not have changed your mind about the squat.
It’s hard to change a lifelong strategy of peeing, I know. I might not have done it had I not had so many reasons to make the change necessary. So let’s just compromise, ok? If you’re still going to squat, despite it being bad for you and everyone else; at least clean your pee after.
Because otherwise, you may as well come out of that stall like this: Going through the line of people waiting and slapping the lady in a wheelchair in the back of the head, giving a toddler a wedgie and a pregnant lady a noogie. As I wipe up your pee, I will comfort myself thinking, “At least when we get older, she’s gonna pee her pants more often than I am.”