Last April my bestie shared an article that left me shaking my head in jealousy. The article is 8 Things You Should Do Everyday Before 8am to be More Productive. Among this list are things like, “Be single” and “Have no kids” or “Have a live-in Nanny” or simply, “Be a Man.” (OK, really it’s things like “Get at least 7 quality hours of sleep” and “Journal for 15 minutes” and “Meditate”)
Do kids ever let you have time to do that? Like, what, does the author have some sort of child who sleeps in or something? My kid prides herself on being the first one up. She’s almost 6. She gets up at 5am. That’s early enough for me, thanks very much. I’m not going to get up earlier just to make sure I have time to freakin’ meditate. I’ll just do something like that in my nice hot shower. (Which I mostly don’t have time for, either. And when I do, my kids are definitely screaming.)
Because, seriously. I don’t even get to rock one kid to sleep without another getting chapstick stains all over my damned carpet and you want me to freaking “Journal” for 15 minutes?
Oh, bite me, Buddy.
I read his bio because I’m genuinely curious how the other half lives; what a peaceful life he must live. He must be awoken with birds chirping and squirrels pulling back his blankets for him, nuzzled awake by calm, happy children, the little dears. I bet his kids all meditate with him. You know what they say! The family that meditates together… Has taken Valium together.
OK, I’m being cynical and sarcastic, I know. Truth is, those are all good goals. (That never happen in real life, as far as I know.) He’s probably a normal guy. But he just seems kissed with bliss and it makes me, who hasn’t really slept well in… oh… six years since my oldest child was born, want to punch him in the face. And cry in my wine.
Here’s My Reality of Things I do before 8 a.m.
- Bring my pillow to the couch in hopes of lying down for just a few more minutes.
- Give the girls milk and granola bars hoping they’ll leave me alone and let me lie down for a few more minutes.
- Make myself coffee in case I don’t get to lie down
- Break up a fight over one kid touching the other and tell them to be quiet or they’ll wake the baby.
- Get the baby up because her sisters woke her the eff up. Sit on the couch next to my pillow and look longingly at it while I nurse.
- Convince a 2 year old that the potty won’t hurt her. Every. Single. Morning.
- Microwave my damned coffee because it’s cold.
- Put my pillow away and make my bed while trying not to cry at the loss of my sleep life.