I Sleep Just Fine in My Bed of Parenting Lies

Parenting is just a series of creative lies. If you’re one of those people who say “we don’t lie to our kids” Well, you’re lying to yourself. I bet you say all these lies, too. And if you don’t…you’re probably not my kind of people.

I don’t have a favorite.

I do. It changes based on who’s being least shitty at any given moment. If the others want to be the favorite, they should try harder. Step up their game.

Mommy and daddy were just getting dressed.

Ok, listen. Mommy’s too tired to do a whole lot of anything after kiddie bedtime. So we’re going to have to deal with the occasional locked door and missing parents. Because a quick shower with daddy is usually the only way mommy and daddy get to keep their marriage. Now stop knocking on the damn door, you’re making it take longer.

We’re out of pop tarts

No, we’re not. I’m just saving them for mornings when I can’t be arsed to make you breakfast. Now be grateful for your dumb fancy pancakes.

The elf didn’t move because it’s saving up its magic for something BIG

Really, the elf didn’t move because mommy drank wine last night.

You’re NOT the smartest person in your class. Stop acting so smug.

She totally is, though. Her class is full of dummies compared to her. But I don’t want her to know that. Because then she’ll stop trying to beat everyone’s grades. She’s competitive. And so far that’s serving her well.

No, no, that TOTALLY looks like a picture of a mouse. Yes, yeah, that’s totally an amazing picture.

That is a scribble of black and it looks like shit.

You’re just as good at that as your Sister

Nope. There’s a smart one, a pretty one, a funny one, a better artist. But I’m not going to let you think you’re not as good as your sisters.

You can be anything you want when you grow up

Why the hell do parents tell their kids this? I know too many grown ass adults trying to make their big dreams come true and leading shitty lives. Set realistic goals and your life won’t suck.

You’re not really Sick

Don’t send your kid to school if they’re sick, of course. Mostly. Not like fever or puking or anything. But I mean… C’mon. A little cold? You can pass it off as allergies and NOT have to fetch them everything all day. Plus then they won’t have to play catch up in school… and…. are you buying this? If you need to go to the doctor for a pap smear while the kid is at school … Bet you’d buy it then. Sometimes kid gotta go, yo.

If you don’t eat your vegetables you won’t grow big and strong!

You’ll probably be fine. And peas taste like shit.

Don’t eat that, you’ll get a tummy ache

I want to eat it after you’re in bed.

That’s a Mommy and Daddy Drink

That’s either coffee, wine, Spark, or ya know what? I also say this for everything from straight up organic lemonade to diet soda. I say this whenever I don’t want to share.

Mommy and Daddy Shows are Boring

Mommy and Daddy shows are awesome. And they have superheroes so you’d freakin’ love them. But the last time you watched mommy and daddy shows you cussed like a sailor for a month. As a two year old. And you tried to choke your baby sister.

And this is a thing we get to do alone. Go. To. Bed.

That’s so yummy! Let’s save some for daddy!

You can’t cook yet, and I’m not going to eat this shit.

I won’t tell Daddy

I’m so telling Daddy. He’s the only other adult I talk to and I have been talking to him for 20 years. I’m running out of shit to say. I need this; don’t you limit me, kid.

Picking Boogers/Eating Crayons Will Make you Sick

It probably won’t. But that’s gross, kid. Don’t embarrass me.

Mommy’s Busy

I’m facebooking. Leave me alone.

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