I’m tired of smiling through the pain.
I bet you’ve heard that before, huh? Or some deviation. Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I’m not hiding pain. Blah blah. It makes me roll my eyes every time I read it. Which is pretty unsympathetic, I know. But if you’re posting that on Facebook, you’re probably not really hiding anything, are ya? Which is fine. I don’t really like hiding anything anyways. I wear it all on my sleeve.
So, let’s go to my meaning of that statement. I’ve recently hurt my neck/shoulder. OK, well, not recently, I slept on it wrong like 5 year ago and now every year or so it acts up. It’s currently acting up worse than usual. And it sucks. I’m doing physical therapy, getting proper meds, I’m sorting it out. But there’s just pain that I can’t do anything about. And I found myself smiling and singing an exaggerated “You got this! Oh, what a big girl!” to my daughter as I coached her to follow me while I was going to fetch some ibuprofen. When I went around the corner to my mirror and she could no longer see me, my smile dropped and my face fell into a wince. And I found myself thinking that thought: I was tired of smiling through pain.
So why was I doing it?
It’s not because I don’t want people to know I’m in pain. If my kids aren’t around, I’m pretty much a constant whiner. (I’m just really good company lately. /sarcasm) I have no issues with people seeing me vulnerable. I don’t think I’m weak for being injured or anything. So why do I smile for my kids? Well, it sure as hell isn’t because I didn’t want my kids to see how I hurt. I’m not protecting them from knowing that kind of shit happens. To quote Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Which I try to do whenever possible), I don’t want to protect them from the world, I want to show it to them.
No. no. no. I don’t care if they see me wince. They’re tough kids. But if I am in a bad mood, then they will be in bad moods. And them in bad moods is freakin’ terrible. Yeah, ok, sure. Just what I want. I’m in pain and tired from lack of sleep from pain and teething babies. Please, please, please add a screaming kid who doesn’t do a damned thing I ask the first time on top of it all.
If you want emo, I can make it emo, but it’s not so much “I’m tired of pretending to be stronger I am to just make my children comfortable in their homes” … It’s MUCH more selfish. More like “I’m tired of everything, even my own freakin’ pain, revolving around those ungrateful little turds.”
(Whom I love and adore. Of course.)
Fun fact: I just typed “Emo” into pixabay for a free image download and Sasuke came up. Other tags: Hairstyle, Androgynous, Sad, Punk and Cool. Which are all fair, I think. Side Note: I started watching Naruto when my oldest was first born and I needed a show with subtitles to read because I couldn’t hear anything over a kid squealing, crying, babbling, etc.