Why you should NEVER suggest someone “Just Adopt”



I think a lot of people find themselves in this situation; Infertility touches everyone in some way. Either you suffer it, or you know someone struggling. My best friend, and a few other close friends, are currently struggling. All too often, I hear the words that make me cringe: “Have you ever thought about adoption?”

They Already Know, mmmk?

Holy hell, can there be any harsher words for someone still struggling to have a child of their own? It probably comes from a well-meaning place. I’d bet most people who say them are only trying to help. But consider one thing for a second: If they’re struggling with having a child, Do you think adoption is a foreign concept they’d never heard of? Because unless they’re living in a commune where they don’t have those things and have never heard of Angelina Jolie, they already know about this possibility. You’re not giving them any new information. What you are doing is telling them to just give up on their struggle. And it’s hard enough to go through this without constantly being encouraged to give up.

It’s Not the Automatic Next Step

Whether they’re struggling with the money involved with IVF, or the loss of a miscarriage or the husband lost his peepee in a war. It doesn’t matter. Adoption is a huge thing. You can’t just hop to the store and pick out a baby. “Oh I think I’ll pick up a cute little asian baby on the way home from work.” There’s more involved with adoption than any other method of having a child. And it’s the least foolproof. Adoption is actually an enormous risk; Possibly the biggest risk. We’re talking about the only way to have a child that, of no fault of your own, you can later have that child taken from you and given to someone else. It’s not an undertaking anyone should take lightly. It’s not something someone not intimately involved should ever consider their business. Or yours to judge. There are just as many stories of adoption that end in heartbreak as pregnancies. Who can blame someone for, after having suffered one heartbreak, not wanting to jump into another?

It Ain’t Cheap

One more reason, and I’ll get off my soap box. Adoption is freakin’ expensive! You’re basically asking a person for the same financial hardship as “Why don’t you just cash in all your retirement and buy a corvette?” Because how people spend their money isn’t your damned business. Maybe they don’t have it. Maybe they understand that spending every last dime for a child that they may not ever get, or may not get to keep is a huge financial risk that will forever change their lives in a financial way. They’ve probably already spent all the money they can afford to spend on IVF. So really, it’s like saying “I know you just spent all your money on that corvette, but it’s totalled, so why don’t you just pull money out of your ass and buy another?”

Bottom line: Why shouldn’t you suggest adoption to anyone under any circumstance? Because adoption is a calling. Not a consolation prize.

If you’d like my bestie’s take on it, it’s here.
And if you need more ways to not be an asshole, try this.

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