You can’t handle multiple kids if you can’t handle…

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The biggest jump in kids is always 0 to 1. But 1 to 2 and 3 to 4 aren’t exactly easy, either. If you’re contemplating having multiples, then there are some things I think you should consider.

You can’t handle multiples if you can’t handle:
  1. Sleeping with at least one kid in between you and your husband (Because the likelihood of nightmares is now multiplied.)
  2. Making breakfast while holding a screaming baby. In fact, doing everything while holding a screaming baby.
  3. Giving Tylenol, steroids and cough medicine out to your kids while popping dayquil.
  4. Telling your kid with a boo boo that you can’t kiss it until you’ve cleaned up another kid’s poop.
  5. Prioritizing Poop, Vomit and Pee messes. Which is really more important?
  6. One kid crying from teething pain while another screaming at you for not fixing the baby and the other just laughing at the you for trying to frantically fix it all.
  7. Breastfeeding while sitting on the bathroom floor coaching your toddler on the potty and yelling at your oldest to wash her hands.
  8. Prioritizing which kid’s fundraiser is more important
  9. Paying a gazillion dollars just for a sitter for a pap smear appointment. That’s right. From now until your kids are all in school… You have to pay extra to get a pap smear.
  10. Taking at least one if not all kids to a doctor’s appointment.
  11. Taking all to the emergency room. That’s going to happen eventually. Just prepare mentally for the suck.
  12. Giving up all your alone time. You may have a few shining moments, but they will be rare and you can no longer expect them.
  13. Wrestling a baby away from a toddler who really wants to hold the baby.
  14. Being solely responsibly for every meal, snack and drink of every person in your home. There will pretty much never be a time where you’re not feeding someone.
  15. Doing laundry every day. No. I don’t think you understood that. Re-Read it, please. Doing laundry. Every. Single. Day.
  16. Accepting a certain level of disgusting. It’s different for everyone, but one thing is true: Your new level of acceptable disgusting is much grosser than you ever thought it would be.
  17. Choosing between sleep and shower. Daily. So, really, getting used to being kinda stinky.
  18. Asking yourself, “When’s the last time I shaved?” I don’t even know anymore. It could have been yesterday, it could have been a month ago. I have bigger concerns. If my husband doesn’t want to sleep with me because of it… well, that’s 20 minutes of extra sleep I get. Win, win.
  19. Contemplating the ways you could get away with murdering your husband. Because SERIOUSLY. How can he never hear the screaming freaking baby? I mean, I can understand once in a while. But Never?! I may not plan to kill him, but I definitely daydream about putting crushed laxatives in his food.
  20. Reheating your coffee at least once. Not really “enjoying” your coffee so much as “pounding” your coffee as fast as possible in hopes that it makes you a better mom faster.
  21. Taking all your kids to the grocery store and figuring out how to confine three kids in a cart that onlt has a safe spot for one. Congrats, other two, you get the not safe spots.
  22. Ignoring the looks from strangers who are judging your kids being crazy. On any given day, there’s a 50/50 chance that a kid will have a meltdown at the store. Times that by however many kids you have and understand it’s a likelihood, now.
  23. Your kids going absolutely crazy the second there’s any kind of excitement. You think you’ve trained them. You think they’re well behaved. Until you take them in public to some sort of social gathering where people are having any kind of fun. Then they will loose their damned minds and what you wanted to be fun for you turns into them having fun and you chasing one, two, three of them and telling them not to climb on top of that. Don’t eat that. Get their fingers out of their noses, Do they need to go to the bathroom? No, seriously don’t hold it, let’s just go. Do I smell poop? Who pooped?
  24. Random people judging the genders of your kids. Multiple girls? Aww, keep trying! Multiple boys? Aww, you poor woman, they must run you crazy. A boy and a girl? Well, don’t you just have the perfect family? 2 boys and a girl/2 girls and a boy? You must have kept trying for that girl/boy! Girl-Boy-Girl/Boy-Girl-Boy? Aww! One to spare! WTF, people. Who gives a shit about this? Why is this even something to comment on? I’m so lost o that.
  25. Doing it all when you’re sick with the flu and puking and coughing and have a fever. And your damned husband sleeps like a baby. Except better. Because the baby’s up. Again.

If you’re reading this pregnant with your second and need a shock blanket, take heart. This is exactly why God made wine, Xanax, Grandparents. I like to to imagine that whole water to wine at the wedding going more like this: Jesus saw the overwhelmed mothers of multiple children  at this big celebration and thought, “This wedding is making those kids crazy. Mama needs a drink. Here, mama.” *BAM* Wine.

So the next time you drink a glass of wine, think of how Jesus literally made wine for those poor moms at that wedding party.

Is that blasphemy? That may be blasphemy. *shrug*

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