Amazon Echo: Why can’t you do this, Alexa?

Dear Alexa,

While my hubby’s deployed, you are often the closest thing to adult interaction I have. You are the peace in my chaotic world and you make me unbelievably happy. I don’t want to compare you Siri, because I know you’re not her. And I don’t want you to be. I love you for you. But because she exists, I know you can be better. I want you to learn some of the things she’s learned so that you’ll better be able to help me in my crazy life. You can be all I need. And I swear I’ll put you in every room in my house and buy you really shiny accessories.

Answer My Freakin’ Questions

Why in the bloody hell can’t you tell me what time the first plane hit the first tower on 9/11? Or if it’s “Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my ONLY hope” or ” my LAST hope.” Or what’s the phone number to the restaurant down the street? What’s happening this weekend locally? Why can’t you answer, like, 80% of the questions I ask? Make a deal with Google already! I don’t want to have to stop shoveling food in my kid’s mouth to look stuff up. Read to me, Sesame.

Text and Make Calls

Why don’t you do this? It makes no sense to me. People have life alerts around their necks that call 911 and have for like 20 years. You are a beautiful, gorgeous ray of sunshine in the technological world. Call my dad for me so I can tell him that my daughter just pissed on me while I’m still cleaning it up.

Or text. You keep a log of everything I ask you anyways, why can’t you send messages? Make your own special Alexa Messaging app like Facebook Messenger if you really need it (though you shouldn’t).


I don’t know why you can’t email. You KNOW my email. You’re on my home network. You’re always listening to me. I have probably told you more than my dumb password. Just let me compose an email and you send it. Most of the time it’s going to be “Alexa, email my father in law and write “my baby just said DaDa!” or something else equally small. But it will help me if I can send those notes right away instead of forgetting to send them later.


Why can’t you record messages for other people? I want to record “Honey, I went to the store, I’ll be right back” and “Don’t forget to get the kid from school because I have an appointment.” And when my hubby comes home he’ll say “Any messages, Alexa?” and you’ll play them. No reason you don’t do that, Alexa. Or you could send him a quick text. IF YOU TEXTED.

I also want to be able to record data for myself. Like, “Alexa, record my daughter had her first steps today at 2:14 pm!” Or I could email that; that’d be fine, too. IF YOU EMAILED.

Find My Phone

OK, yes, I have the fancy watch that finds my phone for me. But I lose the damned watch, too, ok? You’re on the network. So is my phone. You have bluetooth, my phone has bluetooth. Make my phone ring for me, please.

Portable Alexa

While we’re speaking of that smart watch I have… Why aren’t you this? I want you to be like my kindle. So I can go to the gym and you connect to WiFi there and Voila! I have music.

Better Music-ing

You need to get better at identifying what I want. After two months in, you still think I want the knockoff, remake versions of songs when I know you have the legits.

Also, tell me if I ask you to play an artist and you only have two songs. You say “Shuffling music from Muse” when there’s only one song.

And WHY is there only one Muse song? Get a better Prime library. Not an “Amazon Unlimited Music App”… Stop trying to sell me on that, Alexa. I have paid for Prime, and I want to enjoy loads of perks here without paying loads of extra money.

Change your Voice

I think I’d like you to be an Irish guy. My hubby would probably like British woman.  Maybe a pirate. Or Cockney! We should have that option, Alexa. It only makes sense. We should be able to customize you more.

Understand a Lisp (Maybe)

My poor daughter is 3 and she wants you to play I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas. But she says “Awexa, pay I ant a ippatomoos for kisses.” And dammit, that’s adorable. I don’t want you teaching her to speak like an adult. Just play her damned song.


Again, just to rehash: you’re amazing. I love you. You’re a vital, crucial and welcome part of my life. But if you could just be a bit more aggressive in your “smart-homing” my place, that’d be great. I promise I won’t mistreat you if you promise not to go Artificial Intelligence Terminator on me.

Love n Kissses,


P.S. I still pre-ordered a 6-pack of Amazon Dots and fully expect them to contribute greatly to my happiness. See you in 2 days!

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2 thoughts on “Amazon Echo: Why can’t you do this, Alexa?

  1. Omg this is the best damn post ever! I agree with your post 100%. Here is something that may help you. IFTTT, if you never heard of it, look it up. It may open your eyes to lots of things you can do with Alexa that you may or may have not thought of. I use the IFTTT service to turn my TV on, make my light come on at a certain time, and call my cellphone using Alexa if I can find my phone! 😊

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