I hate coffee. I hate the bitterness, I hate how if it gets cold it’s completely intolerable. I hate that you have to make it with the heat of a thousand suns to get the flavor right. And you inevitably burn yourself. I hate that to take it anywhere you have to put it in a thermos that will do its job so well that you won’t be able to touch it for hours and then when it’s a temperature that you CAN drink it, you have to drink it in a 45 second window or its ice cold. I hate how there’s more options for creamers than there are options of popsicles. (There should be more flavor of popsicles, obviously.) I hate that you have to wake up earlier to make the coffee that you need because you woke up so early.
But I love that coffee doesn’t give me a 2 o’clock lag. I don’t feel over hyped when I drink coffee. And I don’t need to pound them back to back like I do soda. (Which is apparently great for toilet bowl cleaner.) I like that I feel like a completely normal person all day instead of a zombie just kind of suffering through. I love that it may potentially be good for me. Or at least not terrible for me like the energy drinks that make your heart explode. So I love that I drink it guilt free. I also love that I feel more grown up when I drink it. (This is a stupid reason, I’ll admit it freely, but c’mon. Can you really feel like an adult pounding Mountain Dew all day? That’s for pulling all-nighters in college, right?) I also love that the smell always reminds me of my dad, who has drank coffee all his life. I love that when you’re sick the warm liquid goes down a sore throat and you can feel it soothe your body and soul. And I absolutely adore, on a cold morning, sitting among fluffy blankets curled up with a book, or watching the snow; waiting on the coffee to transform from molten lava to warming goodness as the coffee mug warms my hands.
I’m a mom. I don’t sleep. I was going to expand more on that, but really, brevity is the soul of wit here. I just don’t sleep. So I need something. I was pounding back Diet Mountain Dew and coke and shaking all day from too much caffeine. And it sucked. I thought this mommying thing was undoable. I didn’t know how I could keep this up for the 2 more kids my husband and I wanted. Drinking coffee saved me.
So how do I do it? How about I tell you in steps. Because outlining anything is really fun for me.
- Do you like Chocolate? If you say no, gfto of here, you’re a monster.
- Buy Hot chocolate mix. Here’s the kind I get. Yes, I buy the 6 pack of big ass canisters. Because I neeeeeds it. Here’s another option. Or here if you dig organic.
- Buy Creamer. Something overpowering. Mint or Spice work really well. Something strong enough to cover the taste of pretty much anything. Think about chocolate. If you like it with ____ and they make a creamer in that ____ flavor, get it. (If you’re thinking “Chocolate and pumpkin spice is weird!” You’re wrong and here’s why.)
- Do you have a Kuerig? Or single cup coffee brewer? Or I don’t know, how are you planning on getting coffee? If you’re making coffee, make it weak somehow. From a pot that you share with others, though, you’re screwed. Start with your own. Make like, half strength what the instructions call for; If you’re using K-Cups (ooooooo, Look at you, big spender!) You’re also screwed. Well, kind of. It’s trickier. You can make the espresso size in a giant cup and then take the coffee out and hit the espresso size again so that only hot water comes out. Honestly, how I started was using my hubby’s used K-Cup. Which sounds gross. And it probably is. Just, ya know what? Just use the reusable K-Cups and fill it half way, ok? It makes it easier. And cheap. You’re welcome. And yes, I linked you to the generic brand of the K-Cups. They’re the same thing. Save money.
- So you have a cup of coffee. Hopefully half strength. Pour at least 2 heaping spoonfuls of the powdered hot coco. You’re gonna have to stir the shit out of it to get it all dissolved. You could also put the coco in first and stir as you pour the coffee. That’s a teeny bit easier. And I’m all about easy.
- So you have steaming hot coffee chocolate. They call it mocha. I have no idea why and I have no idea who ‘they’ are but, ya know… it is known. So now you have molten lava that kind of tastes like chocolate and kinda still tastes like ass coffee. So put your strong creamer in it. Like, a lot. Like, I don’t know, say “Batman is the best” while you pour. If that’s too much you can back it off to “Batman Rules.” I just kind of sing “Batmaaaan!” And that’s enough. Stir.
- Now you drink. It’s going to taste like the worst hot chocolate you’ve ever had. Which is, you guessed it, still better than coffee. So you chug that down and cringe a little. Tomorrow you’ll hate it just a minuscule amount less. And the day after and the day after. You can even try just a shit ton of cream and sugar if you’re out and don’t have coco. Or you can carry mint flavored hot coco packs in your purse. I’ve done that before.
You’ll probably eventually get to the point where you won’t need as much cocoa or creamer. You may even graduate past me. You can just scream “BATS!” while you pour if you do. Jazz hands optional.